♪ Up on the housetop, reindeer pause ♪
♪ Out jumps good ol' Santa Claus ♪
♪ Down through the chimney with lots of toys ♪
♪ All for the little ones' Christmas joys ♪
♪ Who wouldn't go? ♪
♪ Up on the housetop, click, click, click ♪
♪ Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick ♪
♪ First comes the stocking of little Nell ♪
♪ Oh, dear Santa, fill it well ♪
♪ Give her a dolly that laughs and cries ♪
♪ One that can open and shut its eyes ♪
♪ Who wouldn't go? ♪
♪ Up on the housetop, click, click, click ♪
♪ Down through the chimney ♪
♪ With good Saint Nick ♪
♪ Look in the stocking of little Will ♪
♪ Oh, just see what a glorious fill ♪
♪ Here is a hammer and lots of tacks ♪
♪ Whistle and ball and a whip that cracks ♪
♪ Who wouldn't go? ♪
- No! - ♪ Up on the housetop ♪
♪ Click, click, click... ♪
♪ Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick... ♪
♪ Who wouldn't go? ♪
♪ Up on the housetop, click, click, click ♪
♪ Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick ♪
Down here!
I'm down here!
Hey!
The basement.
Hello. Hey. Hey. I'm down here.
Just let me go, okay?
Please?
'Cause I... I didn't know she was married.
What are you... what... what are you doing?
Just look, it's... it's a fucking misunderstanding.
I didn't... I'm sorry, okay?
She was begging for it. What the fuck did you...?
I didn't read that... 'cause you're her husband.
I... fuck, I didn't... okay, just-
how the fuck am I supposed to know that she was married?
'Cause she wasn't even wearing a fucking wedding ring, okay?
I swear to God, I'm never- I'm never gonna touch her again.
I'm gonna get the fuck out of here, okay?
Just...
You're... you're not her husband.
You're-
you're just a sick fuck.
Say something!
Hello.
- Up and at 'em, Deputy. - Sheriff?
I need you at the station at 1500 hours.
Wait. Why?
Deputy Jordan's got my shift.
Jordan's MIA.
Wait, what?
No one's seen him since Thursday.
Apparently he's gonzo, out of here,
got a whiff of something he couldn't pass up.
Sir, I can't work tonight. It's Christmas Eve.
It's Christmas Eve for all of us,
the season of giving, so get off your sorry ass.
Town hall's expecting a record number of Santas.
It's gonna be a real clusterfuck.
With all due respect, sir,
today is a really tough day for me.
It's my first Christmas without John.
Okay, well, I'll look forward to seeing you.
A six-sided item, nine letters.
I'm home.
I'm innocent, I swear. I swear.
Police brutality!
Help! Help! Help!
Daddy, I'm sorry I can't be here tonight, but you understand.
That's okay, darling. You just write
as many parking tickets as you can for all those other wannabes
and then look for me up on that throne.
Oh, well, that would be cheating, wouldn't it, Mother?
She's straight as an arrow.
- I am proud of you, kiddo. - Thank you.
There's a gift in the mailbox for you, Hank.
Give it here.
Hey, Daddy, what's a six-sided item?
A cube.
Nine letters.
A hexagon.
Close. That's seven.
I'll figure it out eventually.
Anyways, good luck.
I'm not gonna need it. This is gonna be my year.
Of course it is.
And in the morning, we will open up Christmas presents
and we will have leftovers and we'll spend the whole day together, okay?
- You be careful out there, hon. - Of course.
- You promise? - Of course, Mother.
And watch out for those drunken Santas with the wandering hands?
And no letting them off with just a smile
and a slap on the wrist, not my girl.
I won't let you down, Dad.
♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪
♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪
♪ Sing the joyous Yuletide carol ♪
♪ Fa la la la la la la la la... ♪
- Nice job, Mr. Mayor. - Pardon me?
- The lights... quite a display. - Pain in the ass.
But we're entertaining tonight, and Mrs. Mayor has her standards.
So you're not judging the Santa contest then?
No, no, no. It's an election year.
If I choose a Santa, I earn one vote and lose the other 499.
- Merry Christmas, Tiffany. - Hey.
Tiffany, please go put on something more respectable.
Respectable? What would you know about respectable?
I have important people coming over tonight.
You might think it's cool for you and your important people
to route a road through protected land.
I don't.
This town will die if we don't put another road in.
It's already dead.
All right, see you at the Santa parade.
Yeah. You take care.
♪ Up on the housetop, reindeer pause ♪
♪ Out jumps good ol' Santa Claus ♪
♪ Down through the chimney with lots of toys... ♪
What are you doing, honey? Those are Mommy's heart pills.
- I need those. - You need to take me to the mall.
But I thought we'd go to church tonight.
Fuck church. I want my new LV today.
Why don't you wait until tomorrow and see what Santa brings you?
Do I look like I believe in Santa Claus?
Go get your purse and meet me in the car.
Great. Salvation fucking Army.
Got something for me?
I didn't ask for that.
Reverend Madeley.
Do you remember the old days?
Full house every Christmas Eve,
Easter too.
Nothing's the same anymore,
not even the snow.
Well, we've all lost a lot this year.
John was important to the community.
It's always hard
when a loved one leaves you,
no matter what the circumstances,
but I want you to remember
Jesus loves you, Aubrey.
He's always here for you.
And so am I.
If there's anything
I can do to ease your pain,
anything at all...
I'm going to be late.
You want me to pour you a coffee?
No, it's okay. I got it.
- What are you reading? - A survey.
It says that Christmas makes people crazy.
They think it's the short days.
Or maybe it's "Jingle Bells" 100 times before breakfast.
- Where is everyone anyway? - Sheriff's out,
scouting the parade route for suspicious packages.
And where is Giles?
Late, as always.
So you hear about Jordan disappearing? He flew the coop.
Yes, that is why I'm here today.
I mean, he couldn't have waited until after Christmas?
Rumor is there's a girl.
They're eloping to Milwaukee.
Okay.
Of course they are.
Can you think of a nine-letter word for a six-sided item?
For my crossword?
I'll Google it.
What? No. The whole point is to figure it out yourself.
So why are you asking me?
It is just so nice of you to show up, Giles.
Don't tell me... I missed a bank heist and an alien invasion.
If I can manage to put on my makeup, blow-dry my hair and get here on time...
The truth is, I had to stop at the store
and get something for you ladies.
Christmas presents from you? Really?
Don't rush me. Form a line.
Oh, after you've been kissing the sheriff's asshole, you're gonna-
Oh, God.
No, thank you.
Sheriff's Department. Yes.
Ma'am, which Santa Claus? Ma'am?
I see. We'll send someone right over.
You know that traveling Santa, the one in the square?
- Yeah. What's up? - Well, seems he's been making kids cry.
- What? How? - Maybe he got a boner.
Kids are squirming in his lap all day.
It's bound to happen sooner or later.
Has anyone ever done a background check on you, seriously?
I'll just take this one on my own.
What did I say?
- Hey. - Hello.
- Hi there. - How are you?
Fine, thank you.
- Aubrey, Merry Christmas. - Hi, Merry Christmas.
Hi.
Looks great. Good job.
Happy holidays. Merry Christmas.
So what's your name, partner?
- It's Timmy. - Timmy.
Well, to be honest, Timmy,
I don't think you deserve anything this year.
I'm joking.
You're gonna get everything on your Christmas list,
but if the presents aren't under the tree tomorrow,
you know what happened, right?
Well, see, your parents took 'em and they put 'em on eBay.
That's right. Never trust your parents.
And that's all I'm gonna say on the matter,
lest I get in trouble with the police.
See, they send people to check on me
to make sure I'm not telling kids the truth about their parents.
So don't go snitching on me.
Santa'-s little secret, right? Shake.
All right, superstar. Now scoot.
Santa sucks.
What can I do for you?
- I'm Deputy Bradimore. - I'm Santa... Santa Claus.
Do you go by any other names?
Yeah, sure. At Easter, I'm the Easter Bunny.
On Halloween, I'm Halloweener... an Irish-Jewish ghost.
Days between, I'm Jim Epstein.
And can I call you Jim Epstein?
Well, you could if you wanted to ruin the childhoods
of all those cute little brats waiting in line, looking for reassurance
that they're gonna have lots and lots of toys under the tree come tomorrow.
Oh, a cynical Santa... cute.
You're good. I'm gonna have to keep an eye on you.
You're not from around here, are you?
No, I'm from up north, a small town... North Pole actually.
And Colorado.
- You move around a lot? - What the hell is this?
Why the inquisition? I have a permit.
Can I see it?
Well, it happens to be in my journal,
because I'm a bit of a passionate scrapbooker.
Mind if I take a look?
Knock yourself out.
For 10 bucks you can sit on my lap too.
And we'll talk about the first thing that pops up.
So what's the big issue?
We've been getting some complaints about your behavior towards children.
Well, if you're talking about that whiny little brat back there,
I stand by what I said.
I speak the truth.
So what do you want Santa to bring you?
A pony? How about a big fucking box of reality?
- How about you tone the fuck down? - Oh, yeah? Or what?
You can't revoke my permit. It was issued by town hall.
It's conditional upon your adherence to public decency.
Now I'm scared.
The big cop lady knows the letter of the law.
So how come you're not at home tonight,
by the fire with your hubby, baking cookies?
What did you just say?
Base, patrol one.
Deputy Bradimore, come in.
Patrol one, over.
We got a call from some carolers
about a bad smell coming from that abandoned house on Watson.
It's probably a gas leak or a dead raccoon.
You have to send Giles. I'm with Santa.
Giles is busy.
Doing what? Changing his maxi pad?
A missing persons' report for Alana Roach. Her husband is here.
Something happen to her?
I think she left him for Deputy Jordan.
- Where did you get that from? - Gossip.
From who?
Seriously, I never reveal my sources.
Brought you a newspaper.
Couldn't finish the sudoku.
Mom and Dad missed the flight,
so it's just me.
I guess it kind of sucks
being in here alone on Christmas Eve?
Hell, you don't even know what day it is.
Anyway.
I gotta go see Tiffany.
You remember my groupie Tiffany, right?
I'm boning her pretty regular now.
You'd better watch out, boy.
Christmas Eve is the scariest damn night of the year.
Gramps, holy shit.
You're awake. Let me go get someone.
You see Santa Claus tonight, boy, you'd better run.
Run for your life.
My grandfather... he's awake.
- Mr. McKenzie? - I swear. He just said something.
Mr. McKenzie, it's time for your bath.
He's catatonic. He hasn't said anything in over a year.
Do you want to help?
I'm running kind of late.
It's disgusting.
Jesus.
Patrol one, over.
Base. What's the problem?
It's Deputy Jordan. He's... he's dead.
Are you sure?
I'm pretty damn sure.
He's wrapped in exploded Christmas lights.
Oh my God. What do you mean? Like electrocuted?
Oh, shit.
You said Alana Roach was with him, right? I need to go search the house.
That does not sound like a good idea.
Wait for backup. Whoever did it could still be there. I'll send Sheriff.
Shit.
Bradimore, Jesus, stand down.
Jesus.
Do you want to go home?
No.
You're shaking.
Shivering. It's cold.
You should have waited for me to come.
I had to make sure that she was okay.
Look, I'm gonna say this for your own good.
You're not equipped to handle this kind of situation.
I mean, we both know that.
So don't go playing the hero.
That's my job.
Oh, Jesus.
What a bloody mess.
A big fella.
See, I guess that's what happens when you try to start a new life.
I told him she was bad news.
I mean, fuck, she was screwing half the bloody town.
Where's the husband now?
Oh, waiting for the bars to open so he can get drunk.
- Should we go talk to him? - No, Giles already did.
He was at the auto shop all day. The boss confirms it.
No, he didn't do this.
Well, then who did?
That level of brutality... it has to be personal, okay?
A stranger just doesn't make any sense.
Murder seldom does.
All right, see what you can get off those footprints.
I'm gonna set up our own command HQ.
You realize with Calumet Road closed,
that we're just completely on our own?
"Good. No state troopers, no FBI, Miami."
This is payback time for those parking violations
and stray cats up trees. And I'll tell you another thing:
This sick fuck is gonna wish he never set foot in my town.
Yeah, that's it, that's it. Work it, work it.
Oh, yeah, lean back.
Oh, that's awesome. You look amazing.
Work it, work it.
Oh, that's it, that's it. Okay. Oh, that's nice, that's nice.
Oh, baby, you're beautiful. Stretch your neck out.
That's it.
Looking like an angel today.
Frank is very very... feeling it, baby.
- God, Frank. - That's right.
So your website can only be seen in Europe?
In Europe and Asia.
Awesome.
Oh, your present's over there, white envelope.
Girl, you rocked it.
- Merry Christmas. - Yeah, have a great one, babe.
Later, honey.
Creep.
Maria, baby!
- That's good, the tits. - You want it off?
- Work the tits. Yeah, perfect. - Yeah, I'll take it off.
Work the tits. Work the tits. Work the tits.
Oh, God. Yeah, that's it.
That's it. Oh, man. You're looking great. That's good.
Tiffany must have forgotten something.
Or maybe the Snowman's back. We're running low.
Goldie, get the door.
Okay, okay.
Hey.
What's this?
God, that's amazing. Look at that. That's unbelievable.
You're looking perfect.
Frank?
Yeah, that's it. What?
Frank, run!
No.
Frank?
Help me. Help me!
No!
Bastard! No. Please.
NO! NO!
Somebody help me, please!
Anybody!
No, no. No!
Help me!
No, no.
NO! NO!
No!
Please!
Well, the prints came from a Cumberland work boot, size 13,
so it's definitely not Jordan.
They didn't deserve what just happened.
- Well, somebody thought differently. - What do you mean?
What I mean is that this wasn't like a random,
spontaneous act of violence. Whoever did this had a plan.
And whoever had a plan had a reason.
Well, who do you think could have done this?
Do you remember that article that you were reading to me
about Christmas making people crazy?
Holiday murders-Google that.
Sheriff's Department.
It's Crazy Betty. She sounds a little crazy,
something about blood.
Yeah, a Bloody Mary, most likely.
She's been drinking, guaranteed.
Sheriff's Department.
Crazy Betty again?
No, a Mrs. Morwood over on Euclid.
I'll go check it out.
Wait, no.
I'll go to the Morwoods'. I know the family.
Bradimore, you head down to the motel. Giles, you meet her there.
- Yes, ma'am. Right away. - I really don't feel well enough
to be fighting crime.
I'm probably best served just holding the fort.
No, you are best served protecting the good citizens of Cryer
instead of your own sorry ass.
So man up.
What happened here?
- She's dead. - No.
He skewered her like a little pig.
What?
Did you see him?
I'm really sorry.
I promise you
that we'll catch this maniac
and he will pay for what he did.
- It's all my fault, Sheriff. - No.
- She was driving me crazy. - It's all right.
All I wanted for Christmas was some relief,
but I was talking about boarding school.
I didn't mean this. I didn't want this.
It's all right. It's okay.
I deserve to go to jail.
No, no, no.
- Take me in. - Stay there.
Wait. Don't go in there.
Once you see it, you can't unsee it.
Bradimore, Giles, come in.
We have another homicide on Euclid.
A 14-year-old girl appears to be speared.
What do you see?
Two dead here, sir. There's a woman, Goldie Willis,
and a Frank Forrester. He runs a website, soft porn.
Porn, drugs- when did this town become so sleazy?
Ever since the mill closed.
They do what they gotta do to survive.
Oh, yeah? You call this survival?
And, sir, we found prints- work boots.
- They're huge. - Looks like the same perp.
The woman... Goldie Willis... she was the first one to die.
There was no sign of forced entry. Whoever did this...
she must have known him. I mean, she opened the door.
The last call that Frank made was to a Mr. Snow.
That doesn't ring a bell.
I know a Mr. Cloud, but he's Indian.
Native American.
All right, son, listen. I want you to lock up the crime scene.
Oh, and check out that rat-infested motel.
Somebody may have heard or seen something.
Sir, there's a video camera.
Well, bring the damn thing in. Maybe we'll get lucky.
♪ Holy infant ♪
♪ So tender and mild ♪
♪ Sleep ♪
♪ In heavenly peace... ♪
Merry Christmas, brother.
♪ Sleep... ♪
♪ In heavenly ♪
♪ Peace. ♪
Girls, I'd like to thank you
for bringing some true Christmas cheer to the town.
If I could just get one shot for the parish newsletter?
Oh, you can do better than that.
Okay.
One more for luck.
That's right.
Spread some joy to the world.
Thank you.
Hi, Dennis.
Shouldn't we call in some help?
It's Christmas Eve.
And assuming they could give a damn,
it would be midnight before anyone showed up.
No, we're just gonna have to take this maniac down ourselves.
And that is where our training kicks in.
Who is that?
Yeah. Later.
- Maybe we should fast-forward it. - What?
Fast-forward.
I'm just... I'm just making a mental note to call the mayor.
- About the killings? - No, about his daughter.
You know, just don't want to scare people unnecessarily.
But he's gonna find out sooner or later. I mean, people are gonna be talking.
He'll find out when I find the killer.
Never present to your superiors a problem.
Always present the solution.
Right, here you go.
Frank.
God, you scared me to death.
- Giles. - I'm on my way in.
Listen, we've got a lead on our killer from the motel.
Yeah, he's wearing a Santa'-s suit and a mask.
Well, that narrows it down, man. The town square is like Santa central.
Listen, this one's big, all right? Size 13 boots, over 6 feet. Anyone
matching that description... you bring him in immediately for questioning.
That's cute, Aubrey. I'm gonna need some help.
We're a little crowded tonight.
There might be some room at the front.
I prepared a sermon.
It's just a few words really.
It's about the ugly side of Christmas,
how we surround ourselves
with colored lights and decorations,
snow globes and gift wrap,
how we convince ourselves
that everything is fun and laughter.
Dig a little deeper, friends.
Christmas has a dark side too.
Remember that chilly night in Bethlehem
when baby Jesus was born into this cold world
and laid in the filth of a manger,
when King Herod
massacred infants?
Christmas has some bad memories too.
To truly appreciate the beauty of Christmas,
you must understand its ugliness.
Sin is the beating heart of Christmas-
pain and war.
Fear and sickness,
death and famine,
"American ldol"
and internet pornography!
Thomas Guthrie wrote,
"Who is the murderess"
that takes his life?
Sin.
Who is the sorceress that first deceives,
and then damns his soul?
Sin.
Who is it that brings old men grey hair
with sorrow to the grave?
"Sin!"
Sin is the reason
that our Savior
Jesus Christ
was born!
I won't say a word.
I won't tell a soul.
Please don't kill me.
One hour till parade time.
Who's the big fellow in the corner?
Stein Karsson,
used to be a foreman at the mill.
Haven't seen him around before.
I think he lives up at the motel these days.
Crazy Betty's?
No, the Four fucking Seasons.
Nice.
Base.
Brenda, patch me through to the sheriff, please.
- He's a little tied up. - It will only take a minute.
This better be good.
Listen, Sheriff, there's a man here- Stein Karsson.
He is a former log worker. He's wearing work boots.
He's huge. He fits the giant Santa profile.
What's he doing?
Eating a burger.
Well, that doesn't sound like the kind of thing
a serial killer would be partaking of after five homicides.
He lives up at the motel and I remember his name from the registry.
It could be our guy.
Where are you?
- Jack's Bar. - All right, I'm on my way.
Just don't do anything stupid.
Gentlemen.
Mr. Karsson?
Stein Karsson?
Mind if I ask you a few questions?
I was wondering when was the last time you were at the motel.
This morning.
And did you notice anything unusual,
any new people around?
It's a motel. People come and go.
But you live there, correct? You don't know any residents?
No.
How about a...
a Mr. Snow?
No.
So do you have any plans for tonight, for Christmas?
I'm gonna spread as much joy,
as many parcels of happiness as I can.
Then I'm gonna get my girlfriend so wasted,
she won't even know if I fuck her in the ass.
You don't seem very happy about Christmas, do you?
Let me tell you about Christmas.
It ain't all candy canes and pretty lights.
Christmas can fuck you up.
I heard this story.
This fella was pissed that his wife left him
on account of him being a dull man.
She took up with a more exciting fellow.
The husband was distraught.
He went to the party they were at
dressed as Santa,
took with him a weapon,
one he made with his own hands.
And he set about killing them that was naughty.
The wife's boyfriend ran, left her behind.
She begged for forgiveness,
pleaded for her life.
He had no mercy for sinners,
burnt 'em to a crisp.
He's still doing it too,
every year a new town.
Everyone knows that story. It's an urban legend.
It ain't.
Have you been a naughty girl, Deputy?
Who put you onto me?
Was it Frank, that creep? That kid Dennis?
Just stay calm.
Karsson is Mr. Snow.
Hey.
Stop. I can work this out.
You can't work shit out.
Shit.
Are you hurt?
No.
- Where do you think he went? - Wherever he feels safe.
Well, I'm on his tail now.
There's nowhere safe.
Shit.
- Hello. - Dad.
Hi, princess. Let me get your mom.
No.
I really need to speak to you.
What's going on? You sound upset.
I'm not cut out for this job.
Are you kidding?
I spent 40 years on the force.
I know what makes a good cop, Aubrey.
I'm not.
I can't do it.
I mean, maybe before I lost John
I thought that I was brave
and intuitive like you, but...
I'm not.
I choked.
Dad, I choked.
Trust your gut.
When the time comes,
you'll know what to do.
Listen, don't go to the parade tonight, Dad.
We have a situation with one of the Santas
and he could be really dangerous.
But don't tell Mom. I don't want her to worry.
She doesn't have to worry.
This isn't the first time
a Bradimore had to bring down a bad Santa.
You'll find him.
You'll catch him.
Good bye.
Public enemy number one.
- It's double S. - Is it?
Karsson... it's double S.
Double S... double screwed.
Listen, the bars will close. The whole town shuts down.
He can run, but he can't hide.
I want this son of a bitch behind bars before dawn,
or my aunt's my uncle.
I'm not so sure, Sheriff.
You're not so sure about what, Deputy?
About Karsson. He doesn't stack up.
- To what? - As a suspect.
Don't put avocado on the burger.
What?
Simple is always best.
Look, Karsson killed Jordan and Alana,
then those two degenerates at crazy Betty's motel.
Hell, he even tried to kill you, didn't he? Have you forgotten that?
But Karsson was a coke dealer. Why would he want to kill his clients
and what would be his motive for killing Alana and Jordan
and the Morwood girl? It doesn't make sense, sir, I'm sorry.
There you go again. Now you're piling hummus on top of the burger too.
What if he was punishing them?
He knew Alana was cheating on her husband.
He knew that Frank and Goldie were making porn.
And who would know all that?
Someone they knew. Someone they trusted.
You mean, like a drug dealer?
Sir, a drug dealer with morals? Come on.
All right, I read Brenda's magazine.
Christmas... the number one holiday for people going nuts.
That's motive enough for me.
So I want you to get out there and I want you to search every street.
Come on.
Past homicides around the holidays, state by state.
Thanks.
Double S, my ass.
Aubrey.
Joe, hi.
What's this I hear about a dead guy over on Watson?
Someone said the body was electrocuted.
I don't know anything about that.
I didn't believe it either.
Karsson's here, close.
I can smell it...
the smell of fear.
I don't smell it.
No. Well, that's not because you are not attuned.
A crime fighter's senses
switch to something almost primeval,
from when we hunted cave bears and dinosaurs.
Sheriff, listen, I have an article
from Metesca, Montana, five years ago,
December 26th, a multiple homicide.
The journal of the Santa from "The Real Christmas Show"
puts him in Metesca at the same time.
SQ?
We're looking for the wrong Santa.
Epstein, we're coming in!
Jesus, what a pigsty.
He lives in here?
No, he travels in it. He's living at the motel.
What a smell.
See if you can find any weapons.
We're looking in the wrong place.
Just who the hell do you think you are, Deputy?
Don't you tell me how to suss out a perp,
not when you choked the one time you had the chance.
I fucked up.
Okay? I fucked up, sir.
I have to live with that for the rest of my life.
You can trust me.
♪ Mama Claus said, "Santa" ♪
♪ "Why do you look so down?" ♪
♪ Can't you get on a sleigh, get on your way? ♪
♪ The boys and girls are waiting on Christmas Day ♪
♪ What's the matter with you? ♪
♪ Turn that frown around... ♪
- Daddy. - ♪ Go, go... ♪
- You promised you'd stop smoking. - ♪ Go, Santa, go, go... ♪
I will, honey bunch,
January 1st.
It'll be my New Year's resolution.
I love you.
At least one of my girls is still sweet.
Now you go get ready for bed, okay?
Only if you say good night.
I will.
Come here.
What are you doing out here?
Tiffany says you finished the guesthouse.
It's a doozy... two bedrooms and a full bath.
I'm gonna show him.
- Make it snappy. - Oh, yeah.
I want us all to drive into town for the parade.
This won't take long.
Jesus.
Mayor Revie.
Hi, sir. I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Sheriff, to you and the whole department.
Thanks for another year of keeping our town safe.
I wanted to talk to you about that, sir.
We have reason to believe
that we have a serial killer
at large in our community.
Yes, I know, sir. It is shocking.
I am doing everything in my power
to make sure that this maniac doesn't strike again.
You're breaking up, sir. I can't...
Hello? Hello?
Hello.
Bloody cell phones.
Poor Santa Claus,
giving out a million gifts,
never getting anything in return except stale cookies.
It's true.
Santa gets shafted.
Well...
it's time to give back.
I'm gonna lighten Santa's sack.
It looks like Santa's gonna come early this year.
Shit.
Is that my dad?
Don't stop.
I have a surprise for you.
Stay here.
- Have you been bad? - Fuck, yeah, I have.
I'm ready when you are, killer.
Okay, I'm not laughing anymore. You can-
You dick!
You should have seen your face- classic.
How did you get over here without me seeing you?
Get over where?
How did you get from the bathroom
to the other side of the bed without me seeing you?
I don't know what you're talking about. I wasn't in the bathroom.
Okay, so the door opened by itself?
Stop trying to scare me, asshole.
You know what? I'm over this now.
Fuck. Come on.
Look, there's nothing.
Come on, stop fucking around and let's...
Tiffany!
Let me out of here!
What the fuck?
Hey! Open LIP!
Tiffany!
Santa, you forgot the cookies.
He's a wolf in sheep's clothing,
hiding in plain sight.
I'll call Brenda, get a vehicle description
and a license plate for Jim Epstein.
He's Santa Claus, remember?
The parade is the perfect cover.
Nah, he'll be on foot.
Is there any way
we can call off the parade?
I spoke to the mayor, told him
I had the situation under control.
Listen, this freak can't hide forever.
Sooner or later they all make mistakes.
Merry Christmas.
Watch out, man.
Watch it, buddy.
Fake-ass Santas.
Shit, are you seeing this? It's Epstein.
Hey, look out, man. Come here.
Shit, he's making a run for it.
- Is that a gun? - Get out of the way.
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas.
- Hold still! - Freeze!
You nasty, sadistic little prick.
See?
I told you I'd get him.
Cuff him.
Get over here. Cast your mind back,
Christmas, '03. Remember where you were?
Probably some herpes-ridden crotch of a town like this, I suspect.
- Deputy. - Metesca, Montana.
Does that ring a bell in that dumb skull of yours yet?
My mind is blissfully bereft of the effects of campanology.
Yeah, well, four people were murdered there Christmas Eve.
The cops never found the killer.
Judicial ineptness is a universal curse. I fucking weep.
Yeah, well, six people died here tonight.
I ask you, what are the chances?
I'd say the odds of that are pretty high.
Because it's that time of the year, Sheriff.
Yeah, Christmas,
when people go off the deep end.
Yeah, you know why.
'Cause they spend too much
and they drink too much and they eat too much
and they think too much.
And they look around at all that fake fun and happy laughter
and they go, "Where the fuck is my cup of joy?"
Where is my figgy pudding?
Where's my stocking full of gifts?
Where's my Calvin Klein underwear, my cable TV,
my replica Tim Tebow NFL jersey?
Where's my fancy cologne?
Where's my gift-wrapped Norman Rockwell wife,
and my beautiful, happy, smiling children?
Where?
Nowhere.
Where are my friends,
my beaming friends who worship the fucking ground I walk on
"because I've had an awesome fucking year, man?"
And it doesn't take much to put people over the edge.
Just a dirty look
or a bad word, yeah,
or a TV too loud
or some asshole behind you leaning on his horn.
Ring-ring! It's a telemarketer, "Give me money for Haiti,"
or the Democrats, or National Suck-My-Dick Week.
It's the most wonderful fucking time of the year!
But whatever it is that you guys think I did,
I most certainly did not.
Yeah! I'm Santa!
Who the fuck do you think it is I am? Charles Manson?
I don't understand how he did it.
How does he go from hearing kids' wishes
to going on a killing spree? It just-
it doesn't make sense.
I told you before, murder seldom does.
I want you to go look for that other girl from the motel
and see if you can find any more evidence.
You're good at that, yeah.
Giles and I will man the fort.
What the fuck?
Karsson.
Turn around.
Turn around now!
Show me your hands.
Show me your hands, Karsson!
Don't make me laugh.
We both know you don't have it in you.
Six-sided item...
"snowflake."
Of course.
Oh, my God.
Hi, you've reached the Bradimores.
- Leave a message. - Shit, shit, shit!
Guess I'll be heading home.
Oh, yeah?
Well, Merry Christmas then?
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
♪ And a happy new year. ♪
What do you think this is, "Glee"?
Go home.
Hey, and take the trash while you're at it.
What is this, garbage day?
Hello?
What now, Deputy?
Listen, the red-and-white gift box is a marker. He's marking his victims.
Don't be ridiculous. I've got the killer
sitting in my jailhouse.
Listen, we got a box ourselves. I'm going home to check on my parents.
Calm down.
A lump of coal?
Son of a bitch.
Oh, big mistake,
bringing a flamethrower to a gunfight.
Mom! Dad!
Mom! Dad! Mom!
Dad?
No.
Aubrey!
He tried to stop him,
that monster!
- No! - Mom, Mom, stop, stop, stop.
Look at me. Look at me.
I'm going to go get him.
- I'm going to go get him. - No, no, no.
No, no, Aubrey. It's not safe!
What's with the fucking rain?
Hey, you asshole,
get me out of here.
Which fucking dickwad deputy are you, man?
I just want to get the names right on the complaint form.
Deaf and dumb?
All right, fucking retard, out of my way.
Oh, you want to rumble?
Okay.
Fuck you. Fuck Christmas.
And fuck your plastic face.
Not nice.
Oh, not nice? I'm sorry.
Brenda!
- Help! - Brenda!
You fucking bastard!
My father was a good man.
- Help! - Brenda!
Help me!
Brenda.
You're okay. Get up. Get up.
Drop your weapon!
Ronald, please, don't make me do this!
♪ Silent night ♪
♪ Holy night ♪
♪ All is calm ♪
♪ All is bright... ♪
♪ Silent night ♪
♪ Deadly night ♪
♪ All is calm ♪
♪ But soft, it ain't right ♪
♪ Round up the virgins ♪
♪ Bouncing in chains ♪
♪ Hear them all sobbing ♪
♪ And screaming in vain ♪
♪ Screaming in agony ♪
♪ Screaming ♪
"In agony -"
♪ Silent night ♪
♪ Deadly night ♪
♪ Everyone saw bloody red tonight ♪
♪ Shut all the toys ♪
♪ Better lock 'em up twice ♪
♪ Dash up the stairs before losing your life ♪
♪ Cry as loud as you like ♪
♪ Nothing will save you tonight ♪
♪ Silent night ♪
♪ Deadly night ♪
♪ The chorus is puking ♪
♪ At the sight ♪
♪ Hung by their ankles ♪
♪ And slaughtered with blades ♪
♪ Young little darlings ♪
♪ Just ripped at the seams ♪
♪ Screaming in agony ♪
♪ Silent night ♪
♪ Deadly night ♪
♪ Everyone saw bloody red tonight ♪
♪ Shut all the toys, better lock 'em up twice ♪
♪ Dash up the stairs before losing your life ♪
♪ Cry as loud as you like ♪
♪ Nothing will save you tonight ♪
♪ Nothing will save you ♪
♪ Tonight ♪
♪ Nothing will save you tonight ♪
♪ Nothing will save you ♪
♪ Tonight ♪
♪ Nothing will save you tonight ♪
♪ Nothing will save you ♪
♪ Tonight ♪
♪ Nothing will save you... ♪